I turn 26 tomorrow yes, less than 24 hours. What am I doing with my life? What do I think about life? What is important, and what is not? What is contentment for me?
I know nobody reads this, but maybe one day, when my son turns 25, I’ll read this to him how I thought, how I felt. Or maybe when I turn 35 in ten years, I’ll look back at this and remember the desires I once had.
It’s a chilly Bengaluru morning. A Saturday. Usually, I shower and have breakfast by this time. But now I’m alone, listening to my favorite music, cleaning my room, and looking at my favorite hard disk.
Before I narrate how I feel today, let me rewind to what I went through after 16 that is, after my 10th grade. God, the last decade feels like a golden decade. If I ever get the chance to live it again, I would live it the same way.
I passed 10th with an outstanding 91%, thanks to one senior who helped me. She’ll remain in my memories forever let’s call her Apple. Apple was amazing at tutoring me. Those tutoring nights turned romantic too. I still remember the yellow top, the rain on the balcony, the smooth kiss… God, I’d kill to relive that moment.
It all started with her. I don’t know whether she used me or not, but I loved that experience. One thing led to another I met her friends. They were all smart and came from really good backgrounds. That connection continued into PUC too, and perhaps that’s why my PUC scores were low just 70%.
I wish I had studied harder in PUC, but I ended up scoring low. Still, I met Goutham and joined the same college. Goutham is someone I admire a lot. He’s a clear thinker. I’ve never seen anyone analyze emotions and situations with such clarity his intelligence, his analytical ability, uff…
But in PUC, I used to fool around with a lot of girls. There was a time I went out with seven girls in a single week and made out with all of them. At 18, I was proud. At 26, not so much.
That phase of non-attached makeouts and hookups continued even till last year. I’ve been with colleagues, friends, and some people who had massive crushes on me but I never intended to marry them. The “Casanova” persona of mine is overrated. Eventually, I felt vulnerable and used.
Although I had a beautiful FWB over the last 8 years, I know she’s getting married this year. And my friends? They’re all busy. I rarely speak to them maybe weekly once, sometimes monthly. They don’t reach out. I guess I’m too alone. I reject the world, and the world rejects me.
I feel vulnerable. No close friends, no good colleagues, no clear aim.
People assume I have a clear goal, that I’m doing well. But when I’m expected to be strong, nobody asks me how I’m doing. I guess it’s okay. I’m turning 26 tomorrow I shouldn’t worry about my social circle; I should be sorting things out.
In terms of career, the last four years were good. I made solid decisions. I think I have a natural gift I’m not shy. Come on, who from a poor background skips campus placements? I did. I just trusted my gut. Luckily, I joined Bosch through off-campus 8 months after college. Now I’m in a good company, working on ADAS. I think I’ll earn good money in the long run even if not great.
In between, I opened a lassi shop a year ago, which cost around 16 lakhs to run for a year and was sold for just 5 lakhs. The remaining 11 lakhs? Loan. Almost all my savings from 2 to 3 years of earnings are going to repay that debt.
I guess it’s fine. I’m a big believer in destiny. If a loss is guaranteed, I’d rather embrace it early. Even the best yogas in astrology work only if you embrace them. So now I have no savings. What am I doing with life then?
I don’t know. Once I clear my shop loan, I’ll have to take another loan to marry off my sister. My dad passed away two years ago. I guess, as a man, I have to do my duty. And to clear that marriage debt, I’ll have to work another 2 years. By then, I’ll be 29 or 30. So here I am with zero savings and no inheritance. Is this the life I wanted? The one I dreamed of? I don’t know.
Will I ever get married? Will someone like a guy like me average looks, no money, no luxury? I don’t know.
All I know is I’m loving my life. I don’t care what happens next. I’ve put these thoughts out there, and honestly, I don’t see anything bad in my life.
As long as I earn well, stay healthy, and the people around me are healthy everything else can be improved. Life is pretty beautiful.
I love that I’m not giving up. I don’t have a scooty. I don’t own a fancy iPhone. I don’t use social media. All I do is learn different things, focus on work, and try to be better.
I feel extremely vulnerable. But I don’t care how I live as long as I’m healthy. I know how to feel alive. Overthinking can kill us. There’s a saying: The quality of life depends on the quality of your thoughts. I guess I have to live by that.
So at 26, what do I wish for?
First thing I want to live thoughtfully, every single day. For every action, I must put in conscious thought. Naanu olginda obba hatavadi, and if I want something, I won’t give up until I get it.
At 26, I feel I must arrange my sister’s marriage to a good person and leave no burden behind. What about my own marriage? I’m 100% sure I want a simple court marriage. I don’t want to spend more than 1 lakh on it.
And I really don’t like the way I was with girls over the past 10 years just makeouts and hookups. The worst part is they still talk to me nicely. And somehow, that makes me feel worse.
Things I’m doing at 26:
- MMA 2 hours daily
- Astrology Sundays, 2 to 6 PM
- Master’s in Computer Science 2 hours daily
- Weekly badminton
- Some music class
- And my writing.
The good part is none of these involve dates.
I used to be direct I’d tell a girl I liked her beauty and wanted to kiss her. I used to take PUC girls to the library or theatre for makeouts. In engineering, it was the basement of the architecture block, terrace of the mechanical workshop, or library…
I guess I don’t want that life anymore.
No one contacts me now. Most of them are married. I don’t even have their numbers. Obviously, I don’t have social media. I guess I’ve lived the literal definition of “no strings attached.”
But at 26, I’m clear I will be loyal, physically and emotionally, to my future wife, if I ever get married. I don’t crave being around other women anymore.
It’s like emotional anesthesia. I’ve seen so much pain around me that what I feel doesn’t even register as pain anymore. And just like I was corrupted by desire at a young age, now lust doesn’t seduce me.
Of course, that doesn’t mean I won’t bang my wife every day at least for the first 10 years! Ha ha.
The point is: I’ve figured it out. Once I make up my mind, nothing stops me. And now that I’ve decided to be loyal, I guess worst-case I’ll make her spiritual too. But from this point, I don’t think any girl can seduce me except my future wife. I’m training my brain for that kind of discipline.
That’s why I joined MMA too. A year from now, I want to be in the boxing ring, fighting. If lust overtakes me, I can’t be an MMA guy. I need to channel my energy.
I guess that’s a healthy routine.
I love writing my thoughts. And I’m stepping up in life. I’ve decided not to force myself into a relationship. If love happens, it happens. No casual dating. No hookups. Nothing.
inmele nan life ge yavde hudgi bandru ….
ಎದೆ ಒಳಗಡೆ ಇರೋಳು , ಎದೆ ಮೇಲೆ ಮಲ್ಗವ್ಳು ಅವ್ಳೆ ಆಗಿರ್ಬೇಕು…aste
nan kansina hudgi bagge , inna jasti mahiti bekandre please click below link …
iste life maga , naan eno ankolodu eno aguthe alla , prati kshana jeevna na anbhosaku yoga irbeku …at this point i am heavily occupied and working on myself like i use phone like 1 hour in a day , i guess coming out of social media especially whats app is biggest decsion …
sadyake 26 feels fresh , good and extraordinary i am loving it … hurry
